What lurks in the shadows

I never thought that there would come a day when I had to explain to my wild child that mommy isn’t crying because she’s sad, but really because she just doesn’t know what to do. It’s never easy for anyone growing up in split households let alone young children basking in their innocence. I am currently going through what seems like an extremely lengthy fall from what I deemed to be grace. Though my son’s father and I have not been together for many years I can’t help but feel a sense of regret for all my child has to go through. As moms we tend to want to bear the brunt of their pain. We want to protect them from all things dark and gloomy; the shadows lurking at the side of their beds, the booboo from jumping off high places, the pain of seeing a parent cry. Lord knows its the hardest thing to do, but I try because well you can’t really expose them to all things this crazy thing we call life has to offer all at once.

My wild child is so intuitive, we’re at the why stage so every answer has a follow up question. Mom, why can’t I jump from the top of the couch? Because it’s dangerous dear. But why??? That saga could continue for hours. Though it’s normal to have to dress the booboos, tell stories that drive the fear of the monsters into another galaxy and even hug and kiss them after the crash landing. But, having them see you cry, well that’s a tricky place for me to be. Yes, I want to show him all the spectrum of emotions. Of course he needs to know how to express himself too. But how do you say when you hear that infamous why, that well mommy wants to protect you but with all the chaos going on, she just doesn’t know what to do. Court cases can be brutal. They bring out the ugliest of feelings that were once a distant thought buried very deep within. I never want to be the reason he feels incomplete or questions the remainder of the puzzle when he gets older. The all important question is though, how do you give him all he could possibly need whilst making sure he is well protected mentally, physically and emotionally?

Hearing him say, don’t cry mommy it’ll be okay, at 3-years-old it breaks my heart. As moms, we want to protect them from everything, but a little outward emotion can be a good thing. He knows it isn’t all happiness and smiles. We have good days, better days and even the best of them cannot be brought down by our few moments of sadness and despair. When I became pregnant suddenly I was thrusted into a world of sleepless nights, incredibly high medical bills, immense discomfort and total chaos. But I made a promise to myself you see. I was going to come out of the shadows that I once lurked in. I was going to come into the light and bask in the glory of parenthood. Accepting all it had to offer as a single parent was no easy task. Teaching him what I deem to be the right way of life hasn’t been easy. The question that lingers in my brain though is why would I have ever thought that any aspect of parenting was going to be easy?

He is a completely unique child, smart, handsome and charming in every way. His innocence and enthusiasm about life has taught me to be less fearful of what is to come. His gumption and rambunctious nature has shown me that the shadows are no place to live. Life is meant to be lived in spite of all the emotional roller-coaster rides. I have now come to understand that him seeing me cry was a necessary lesson for us both. Of course I’m not making the waterworks a habit  but sometimes our eyes need to be washed by a few tears in order to see the rainbow of the next day promised.

The dawn is breaking, a light shining through…

Even the best fall down sometimes, even the wrong words seem to rhyme.

Until the next time, my pair of thirties and I will see you soon!

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