She will reappear

smoke-69124_1280As I sit here in my living room, children blissfully asleep, with the sounds of World Cup fever on the television, I have come to the realization that I haven’t just been a woman in so long.  You must be wondering, what, have you lost your breasts or something (in no way was that a dig to my wonderful brave and amazing survivors), but what could you possibly mean? Well, I am a mother first. God has blessed me tremendously with two amazing and beautiful children. My son is four years of age and truly I have never been so enamoured by another human being, his smile, his wit, his charm and his overall eagerness to help and learn and grow I mean an amazing being. Then my fiery one-year-old, she is a beauty! Scarily, intrigued by her strength and her fearless nature. The way she scales the grill and window panes it’s like I so yearn to be like her.

Oh man, there I go again, off on a tangent, thanks to motherhood. I am proud to be a mother don’t get me wrong, I am however a bit overwhelmed and really feeling like giving up today. I wish all the finances were perfect, I wish I had already accomplished all of my goals, I wish I was still as fearless and fiery as my love bug. Truth is, things are far from perfect. Though not rock bottom, man, days like these make me wonder if there is anywhere left to go but up?

Here I sit, barely clothed with my natural unkept hair, not the cute kinky-coily look in the least, more like the, can she not find a comb, brush, Gorilla Glue, Dax, gel, something, anything to tame that mess of a look? I spend a great deal of my time with absolutely no regrets dedicated to my pair of thirties but today, the first in well ever, I’m weary. I’ve prayed, I’ve cried but I don’t think worrying is an option in any way shape or form. What good will come of it? Absolutely nothing! (oh, wait those are the lyrics for War!)

There are days when things get heavy, it’s called life and I usually know how to deal and get by. But, saying this without saying too much, I yearn to meet that woman I was just even for a brief moment. Since I’ve had my babies I have a constant, knot in the pit of my stomach that never seems to go away. Just the thought of all that could go wrong, all that has gone wrong when I had no choice but to leave them with someone else. Now, I do not wish to be a helicopter mom, nor do I wish to raise them in a bubble, but is it wrong to acknowledge that I was given a blessing? Many are called, few are chosen and I honestly yearn to be as Christ-like in my approach to raising them as I possibly can. I have made several mistakes. I have said things I wish I hadn’t. I mean, I am not married, in fact as single as a Pringle and this has had me feeling some type of way no lies. Being a statistic is one thing. Raising them in such a way that they defy the “research” and they are all rounded truly amazing people is HARD!

No one wants to be weak. Well, there goes my opinionated self again, I’ve never wanted to feel weak. I’ve never wanted to be a pushover, so I am quite the opposite. Combative through and through! The harder they come, the harder they fall one and all. Those lyrics are the title track of my life! I have had great highs in my 27 years and I have also felt incredible lows. I struggle to find the balance as I see many things in black and white only.

You know when they say, people like you only a mother could love? Well, thank God for family, specifically my mother! She has been the epitome of sacrifice and my pillar of strength. My mom knows it all, often times to my own detriment because I cannot hold anything in or hide anything from her no matter how hard I try. My lack of humility is an issue and therein I see that my pride has cost me many a relationship and friendships alike. I don’t know how to back down. I don’t know how to accept defeat, I have waited until the last smoulder has been out. I know no other way than to fight. Like a hamster on a wheel, the race is never over. No, I’m no wonder woman, though don’t tell my children that because I am everything and will always be every profession to them possible. If there is no clearly identifiable way, I’ll make a way. God has been so good to me! He has redeemed me and set me free time and time again. But, tonight I am tired.

She was absolutely beautiful. Though overweight that cute face was nothing to set aside haha. She was a charmer, a wild-hearted spirit just waiting for the next thrill. Though she feared heights, that was about it. She spoke her mind and was staunch in her approach. She was incredible and I miss her on nights like this. She is out there somewhere and will return someday. Maybe not in full form but flickers of her will shine brilliantly through. But for now, she’ll continue to mother her lovely pair of thirties until that appointed time appears.



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