Give a little Gratitude.

Being left alone with ones thoughts can be an eye opening experience or it can be a gut wrenching, pain staking process. Which have you explored since COVID?

Just a few weeks ago, I was asked how I was coping. I was fine, life seemed well, or rather, as can be, given all that was taking place. I ought to have knocked on wood, hard. Quite suddenly, it was like a wave of despair engulfed us. Each and every one of us.

There is much to be said about putting on a happy face in times of despair. Playing the part can hurt you, but from my experience, it has saved me time and time again. When they warn you to be careful of what you consume, it would be wise to heed such warnings. I pass the time by reading, writing, working, playing with the children on the days I’m not mentally fried. My sweet boy, as optimistic and engaging and enamoring as he can be started to spiral. I did what I often do when I am in an unfamiliar place as a parent, I researched. I read, I signed up for lesson plans online, as a matter of fact, I was two clicks shy of signing up for my BA in Early Childhood education, I kid you not. But then I could not cope. I began to spiral a little myself.

Each day, thanks to ingenuity and sheer brilliance of the digital age, I have to share a piece of gratitude. At first I thought nothing of it, at first I thought what in blue blazes is this. Then I realized I needed it. There were four mornings on straight that he just went HAM! No! I don’t want to sign in for class. No, I don’t want to wear my uniform shirt. No. I don’t want to go bathe. You’re always telling me what to do. I hate being told what to do.

I found myself questioning every thought of it all being okay. I started to wonder if in these days and moments I began failing as a parent. He screamed and bellowed and bawled and I was beside myself. Mind you, in an already pressuring scenario, then came worry mama, my dear mother began to plant seeds of there being something life altering and so wrong.

I am a fan of therapy but can I afford it for long winds of time, at this very moment no. I began contemplating what other job was I going to take on to make it work. I listened to a podcast on the lack of fathers in the Jamaican home & the walls came tumbling down. The rains came down and the floods went up and I began to drown. Two days straight of crying myself to sleep, but I prayed. I cried and I prayed. Every morning, I had to find a thought to be grateful for to share with the team. In a way, it saved me. Having put on that happy face, smiled and did it any way. Prayed for hours on end. After feeling such deep despair, it all came together and I began to feel as though all things were working for my good. I became intentional again, in thought and in prayer.

It’s funny how we often lose our way while etching brilliance into that one area only to be forced to take a step back and see that an entire carving awaits.

Don’t spend too much time fine tuning whilst losing sight of the big picture. I dare you to move.

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